Revisiting blogging- writing as an outlet

One of my outlets is writing. It’s something I don’t do nearly often enough, but here we are. After a conversation with Molly the other day, I realized that writing has, in the past, been an effective outlet and, as someone who can generally express himself more effectively in writing than he can verbally, it makes sense to come back to this. That said, I choose, now, to write about my challenges and struggles, in the hopes that I can work through some of the significant issues that I’m facing, and maybe, help someone else, too. Please note, I will be sharing things that are not easy for me to talk about and could be triggering if you face similar issues. I would ask that you understand that this level of vulnerability is not normal for me.

This is the first in a few posts I'm planning to write, as I don't think I can really process everything at once here.

So, here we go.

I have severe anxiety. Each day, if I’m not really focused on what I am doing from moment to moment, I can lose control of it, it can take over, and the day is lost. I was thinking earlier today about how to articulate and/or visualize what my anxiety feels like. The best I can come up with is that it is like an amorphous gray cloud that is waiting as soon as I open my eyes. If I am tired or have had a bad night's sleep, that cloud descends. Quickly. Sometimes it waits until I'm more "with it" after I wake up.

Sleep and night-time are a challenge right now. I can fall asleep, but often are the days that I wake up well before my alarm, and almost without fail, my mind starts racing. Physically, I can barely move because I am still so tired, but my brain doesn't rest. It's hard to know which direction it will go- big things and small things come into my thoughts, passing through almost as quickly as I can register what they were. Small things like remembering to bring that new box of paper clips to school turn into asking whether or not I planned well enough for classes or have enough activities for the kids to do, and then whether or not that planning will matter anyway because students won't let me get a word in edge-wise. Then come the thoughts about whether or not it would just be easier to not go because I'm not prepared and not a good enough teacher to deal with the challenges that the day brings. This all happens within the space of a minute, then it starts over again in, with basically the same narrative each time. I physically can't get up because my body is still asleep, but my mind is wired.

There have been days when my alarms start going off, and the sound triggers a reaction akin to a child cowering after hearing fireworks up close for the first time. The alarm triggers instant fight-or-flight. I remember one morning where the alarm went off and I couldn't make myself turn it off. Instead, I rolled over, made myself as small as I could, and basically buried myself in Molly's back until she woke up. At that point, I was already in a state of panic.

My anxiety is not just tied to my work, though. Some of you reading this probably know that Ben (aka Bub) was diagnosed with autism several months ago. I am coming to realize that this diagnosis and our ability to provide for him the way we'd like to is also becoming a significant source of anxiety. We have been referred to and have explored many government-provided resources, and so far, many of them have turned into dead ends, making us feel like we are more and more alone in trying to figure out what to do for him. Additionally, the financial aspect of getting him the services he needs is also increasingly becoming a reality for us. "Will we be able to pay the bills this month?" is a question that pops up as a regular part of that amorphous cloud I mentioned earlier. Then, I get angry-anxious (is that a thing?) with myself because I work full time to take care of those things, but it's not enough. Am I letting my family down? Will we be able to keep our cars? Our house? If Molly goes back to work, how will we pay for daycare for both boys, get Ben where he needs to go, and still come out being able to take care of all of our other bills? These questions are also part of that amorphous cloud that floats above me. If you can imagine all of these questions, plus all of the ones I mentioned before about work happening at the same time all day long, you have an idea of what my inner monologue is like.

Anxiety is something that I have dealt with for a long time, and over the years, it has taken different forms. This recent form has been aggressive and unrelenting. So, as I am able, I try to wave that cloud out of my face and try to make it through each day, sometimes each hour, sometimes each minute.

This seems as good a place as any to end "part 1" of these blog posts. There is much more to say, but trying to say all of it at once would be overwhelming and anxiety-inducing in and of itself. I hope that this has been helpful and insightful. So far, it has been for me.

Until next time.