The Loneliness of Anxiety

First of all, thank you to all who have reached out after my post from a few days ago- something that has been challenging through all of this is remembering that I'm not alone, and I appreciate the texts, messages, comments, and conversations that have come out of that post.

Remembering that I am not alone is actually what I wanted to write about today. Since my anxiety symptoms really started to manifest in a big way several years ago, one of my biggest struggles has been alone-ness. 

Back to the Beginning

Several years ago, I remember sitting in my office at school chatting with a colleague about some of the challenges that students were facing both in and out of the classroom, namely anxiety. It probably stemmed from emails from guidance counselors- I don't really remember. Anyhow, the gist from him was that he couldn't understand why all of these kids were either missing time from school or needed accommodations because they felt "nervous." As I recall, I paused, said, "Yeah," and let the conversation end. 

That has stuck with my for a long time, obviously- the fundamental misunderstanding of what anxiety is and what it is not. Anxiety and anxiousness are not the same. It is natural for people to feel anxious in situations in which they are not comfortable. Anxiety is something else entirely. It does not go away regardless of situation. It is a voice in the back of your head whispering constantly about everything.

It was at this particular school that my anxiety really started to manifest. I had my first real "anxiety attack" one morning during my prep period. Somewhere, I still have the plan book that I was writing in. Later that day, I looked at what I had written for the next day. Two things stood out- first, I had no memory of writing what was in the book, and second, the handwriting wasn't mine. I do remember shaking pretty badly and being short of breath (briefly). I ended up leaving school that day and going to urgent care with Molly because I really didn't understand what had happened. The urgent care doc wrote a note allowing me to stay home for a day afterward. 

This was the first one of these anxiety attacks during that school year. One in particular that remember happened while I was driving in to school. It was too late to fill out the online absence form, so I called the office. The receptionist who answered was very accommodating. I do remember her saying that I needed to "Calm down," which was not particularly helpful in the moment, but did not come from a place of malicious intent. 

When I emailed my department head about what was happening and some of the anxiety issues I was dealing with, I remember getting a curt reply, and nothing was ever mentioned in person- no follow up. 

Later that school year, the day after Memorial Day, I got an email from the principal asking me to set up a meeting with him to discuss his "plans for my position" moving forward. I didn't wait- I walked to his office and asked him what was going on. He had decided not to renew my contract for the following year citing "intangibles" and "attendance issues." (Note- I had been out for several weeks when Ben was born.) When I met with him again, I brought up the attendance comment, to which he replied, "I shouldn't have said that." When I said to him, pleading for my job, "I have a family," he said, "I have a school to run." 

To this day, I sincerely believe (for many reasons, not just the anecdote above) that my contract was not renewed at that school because of a lack of willingness to stick with me through my mental health challenges- they would rather cut bait than help. This was 4 years ago.

Since then:

I have held several teaching positions since this happened. I have looked back on this instance as a trigger - a turning point - in my struggle with anxiety and panic disorder. The next school year, I was fortunate to teach at another school with some amazing colleagues, some of whom I am still in contact with. I remember, though, during orientation, this intense feeling of "wrongness" that I couldn't escape. I missed some time in those first couple of months at that new job because of the anxiety that was becoming a bigger and bigger part of my day-to-day life. I remember talking with a good friend who was also a teacher in that district, apologizing to him for being "damaged goods" and a "lemon."

I think, in the interest of time, I'll move on from my specific work experiences. I've gone through them so often in my own mind that I don't need to re-hash them all now, and I'd probably lose people since it would be such a long post. 

The Loneliness of Anxiety

So, now we come to the crux of this post. When you're wrestling with anxiety, it can be almost impossible to know who to turn to. In my experience, this is for a couple of reasons. 

First, there is a voice in the back of your mind saying, "Nobody cares. You're just being annoying trying to talk about this. Leave people alone and let them get on with their daily lives. You just deal with this yourself." Even when you do share with someone about it, there's a feeling that you've been a bother or that you're being judged. In my experience, and this is probably not the case for everyone, this feeling comes from the mindset that I should just be able to deal with this. The inner monologue goes something like this: "It's in my head. I don't even know if this is real. Why can't I just deal with this myself? Just figure it out, dummy." 

This leads me to the second reason why it can be hard to know who to turn to. Anxiety is not a physical issue. It's easy to tell someone what's going on when you have a broken arm, a paper cut, or a tooth-ache. However, when it's in your mind, articulating what you're feeling can be really hard. This is partly why I'm turning to this medium. I often fail to verbalize in a manner that actually does justice to what is happening in my head. I've actually questioned whether it's actually real or if I'm just going crazy.  

Knowing who to turn to in, for example, a workplace where you don't really know anyone (teaching is a very lonely profession, but that's a topic for another day), is not easy, especially when you are new to that place. I don't want to be an inconvenience. I don't want to be a problem or add to someone's already-full plate. Even outside of the workplace, talking to someone can be difficult. Don't get me wrong- as I said in the outset of this post, I appreciate people reaching out and expressing their willingness to listen- getting over the hurdles in my own mind and figuring out how to be more verbally articulate are steps I need to work on, even with my therapist.

One of anxiety's insidious tools is its ability to isolate you. I am starting to understand and process that, as much as I can feel like I'm alone in a crowded room at times, it is not the case.